


Leave This Blue Neighbourhood (Never Knew Loving Could Hurt This Good)

by SOMETHINREAL



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Homophobia, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mentions of alcoholism, Minor Character Death, Set in Toronto, Slurs, angsty with a happy ending, based on the blue neighbourhood trilogy by troye sivan, cameos from mark tuan and jackson wang alongside mentions of bobby kim and joshua hong, it gets a lil spicy i guess but everything is implied, jae is legal and Brian is almost there, kinda angsty??, they're kinda minors??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-12
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-06-26 14:28:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15665055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SOMETHINREAL/pseuds/SOMETHINREAL
Summary: "We'll get out of this blue neighbourhood one day. I swear on my life."(alternatively: the one where they love each other so much but get pried apart).





	1. When You Look Like That, I've Never Ever Wanted to Be So Bad

**Author's Note:**

> i've wanted to do this ever since the album came out i love it and troye uwu i hope you enjoy

When Brian thinks of Jae, he thinks of the cold water of the splash pad at the local park against his heated skin and the sand between his toes in the sandbox next to the playground.

The sun was bright and hot against their skin, making them susceptible to burn, if it hadn’t been for the obscene amount of sunblock their parents had slathered on them. Their laughs filled the air, hair wet and matted down to their foreheads, dripping into their eyes, but they didn’t care.

“You’ll never make it away from me, Bri!” Jae exclaimed, the bucket of water held out in front of him as if to scare or taunt Brian. But Brian wasn’t scared, no, he was faster than Jae. If anyone would be getting splashed, it was going to be Jae and Brian would make sure of that.

They were seven (with Jae turning eight next month, respectively), without a care in the world, their parents (Jae’s mom and dad and Brian’s father) off to the side having a picnic, laughing as they paid little mind to their children. But Jae and Brian didn’t even notice, no, they had been running around the cold splash pad for the past hour.

“Yes I will! You’re too slow for me, Jae.”

To be completely fair, Brian’s advantage of a little bit of speed helped him out a lot, seeing as they’d been running around in circles for the duration of their duel. Jae hadn’t let up though, determined to get his younger best friend drenched if it was the last thing he ever did.

“Wait, wait, Jae, stop!” Brian had a plan. Luckily, Jae was not seeing through it.

“What? Are you _tired_ , Bri? Scared?” Jae taunted, splashing water from the bucket to prove that he was completely willing to splash him.

“Nuh-uh,” Brian tutted, grinning. “Just wanted to do this.”

With that, Brian pushed the button that activated the water, and Jae (who had unknowingly been stopped under the pole that would drench him the most), had no time to run before he was drenched head to toe. He gasped, dropping the bucket in his state of shock, and Brian had begun to worry that he’d really hurt Jae’s feelings before he began to giggle.

“Good job, Bri. That was pretty funny. Want to go to the sandbox? Dad bought me some shovels we can use!”

(But before they got to use those shovels, Brian’s father was dragging him away, the stench of beer clear on him, and Jae’s parent’s were holding their son close to them. He hadn’t known what had made everybody so angry at each other, but it’s not the first, and definitely not the last time he would be dragged by the collar of his shirt away from his best friend).

 

When Brian thinks of Jae, he thinks of the first time they’d ever kissed at Brian’s fifteenth birthday party. (And respectively, the time after it under Jae’s sleeping bag when everyone else had fallen asleep).

Jae’s parents were upstairs with some of the other parents of kids who weren’t sleeping over, while all of the kids resided in the basement. It was seen oclock and they’d just eaten Jae’s birthday cake, and had decided to play a classic game of truth or dare. Everyone had joined in, and the game was _ruthless_. Or at least as ruthless as soft thirteen to sixteen year olds could be.

“What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you?” Sungjin had asked Dowoon, who was too busy kicking Mark for the last dare to actually think about it.

“I don’t know,” he said. “My whole life is an embarrassment. I guess when my mom went through my computer? She found some uh, interesting stuff. Not like, porn. But yeah. Remind me to keep my stuff password protected.”

“Boring,” Wonpil tutted, rolling his eyes. “Let me give you a better truth than that.” Sungjin flicked his ear in response, but sat back and sipped at his coke, unable to be truly mad when he would be hearing Dowoon answer two truths instead of only one.

“Give me your best shot.” Dowoon grinned as he spoke. “I have no shame.”

“Out of all of us, who would you most be willing to play _Seven Minutes in Heaven_ with?” And the question would have been okay if it weren’t for the fact that it was all _guys_ in the basement. All of which, burst out into laughter at the truth.

Dowoon’s eyes widened. “I don’t actually have to do it, right?”

“Not this round,” Wonpil smirked, insinuating that Dowoon better watch his back.

“None of you can laugh, alright? What happens in this basement stays in this basement.” The guys all grunted in agreement and Dowoon reddened. “Wonpil,” he said sheepishly, and Wonpil must not have been expecting it because he, too flushed red. Jae and Brian shared a glance and pursed their lips to refrain from laughing. Everyone had known, anyways. Dowoon let out a huff, shaking his head. “Anyways. To recover from that: Brian, I dare you to kiss Jae.”

“WHAT?” Brian and Jae asked simultaneously.

“I don’t even get a choice?” Brian asked.

“And why with me?” Jae asked.

“Yeah, why him?”

Dowoon shrugged. “Because I need to redeem myself after that last truth and you two are weird with each other. And I mean, you could just chicken out, but you know what the forfeit is.”

"We're not weird with each other," Brian says, scrunching his eyebrows together. Jae nods in agreement. Dowoon, and respectively, all of the other boys in the circle, give them a both look. Brian sighed. “Fine. But only if he’s okay with it.”

“I mean, I guess it’s okay,” Jae said. “ What have we got to lose?” Brian’s face turned significantly redder. Jae was going to be his first kiss. It was really awkward and messy, but they finally situated themselves so that casualties were at a minimum and they had easy access to each other. When their eyes met, Jae’s were soft. “You alright, BriBri?” His voice was lowered to just above a whisper, but Brian could hardly hear it over the sound of his own heart hammering in his ears.

“M’fine,” he said, “it’s just a dare, right?”

“Just a dare,” Jae affirmed, and then he kissed Brian.

Kissing was weird. Jae’s lips were a little chapped and tasted sweet from the cake and soda, but it was _enjoyable_. Kissing was weird and Brian _liked_ it. He raised a hand to grip Jae’s jaw lightly, and Jae’s found his own resting on Brian’s hip, just holding him there. For a moment, they forgot that anybody else was there, that was, until, Jackson cleared his throat awkwardly. When Jae and Brian pulled apart, they were blushing.

“Well, since that happened and now I’m scarred for life, who wants to play Just Dance?” They’ve never been more thankful for Mark Tuan in their entire lives.

(And later, once everyone was asleep, Brian crawled into Jae’s sleeping bag and admitted that he liked kissing Jae a lot. Jae, luckily felt the same. They kissed a lot more from that night onwards).

 

When Jae thinks of Brian, he thinks of living in secrecy and kissing in discreet places.

 

Today, he’s showing up to Brian’s at three sharp, knocking a special tune that they’d made when they were seven and eight so that they would always know it was the other at the door. When it opens, Brian is smiling softly, clad in one of Jae’s hoodies.

“Hey,” he says softly. Jae’s lips curl up into a smile. Jae’s newly nineteen, but not so newly aware of the fact that Brian’s father isn’t keen on Brian liking anything other than girls. (He doesn’t know that Brian doesn’t, in fact, like girls, but he’s had his (assholish, drunken) speculations, those of which Jae has calmed Brian down from countless times).

“Hey,” Jae replies. They’ve always had to kiss in secret, but what’s a relationship without a little thrill? “Dad home?” Brian shakes his head, biting his lip to suppress a grin, but his eyes still squint. Jae doesn’t hesitate in pushing him in, kicking the door closed as kissing him softly. Brian has always been eager to reciprocate, always unafraid to let his hands do whatever they please, wander wherever they want. He’s always willing to take whatever Jae gives him, though he’s also not afraid to ask for more if he ever needs it.

Today, it seems like he needs it. His hands are needy and shaking where they grip the front of Jae’s shirt, tugging him along to his bedroom and onto the bed. Jae is only mildly confused at what brings this whole excessive display of affection up, but it all feels pretty good and Jae can’t find it in himself to complain. Brian is just as needy when he kisses, crawling into Jae’s lap, whimpering pitifully into his mouth, at something that Jae can’t quite grasp.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Jae huffs out when Brian trails kisses along his jaw, when Brian’s hands slide under his shirt. “Baby, baby, slow down. Hey. Look at me.” When Brian pulls away his eyes are glassy, like he’s about to cry but is holding it back for Jae’s sake. “What’s the matter?”

Brian shakes his head, plastering on a smile that Jae can tell is forced. “It’s nothing.”

“Bri baby, I’ve known you since we were toddlers. I know when something’s bugging you. You can tell me anything, you know that.”

Brian huffs out a sigh, lets his eyes fall closed. “It’s just, my dad was being a dick to me again, alright? He was drunk. It’s fine. I’m fine. I just, I need this, please. Please let me have you. Just let me take my mind off of it, please.”

“Alright,” Jae says, running his fingers through Brian’s hair and brushing it out of his face. “Alright, okay. I’m here. Take what you need.” His movements are quick, needy, the way he trails kisses anywhere he can reach, but Jae stops him and shakes his head. “Take what I give you.”

(And Brian takes just what Jae gives him and everything feels _right_ for once in his life even though he knows it’s not. Jae makes him feel that way all the time).

When Jae thinks of Brian he thinks of a life outside their suburbia.

“Let’s run away,” Brian had said one evening. He’d snuck out of his house to meet Jae at the park they’ve called their home base since they were seven. He was laying in the moonlight with his head on Jae’s chest on the blanket that usually resided on Jae’s bed. It was printed with stars. They were passing a blunt back and forth. “I want to get out of here.”

“Don’t we all?” Jae deadpanned, like such a thing could never even be possible.

“I’m serious. When we’re both legal, we’ll run away from here. Move to the city. It’s only a little while away. You’re almost nineteen. I’m eighteen in December. We could do it, Jae.”

Jae was all of the sudden hit with the thought of waking up with Brian in his arms every morning in their very own apartment in the heart of Toronto. He thought about them having coffee in the morning, Brian’s with too much cream and sugar and Jae’s just black because of his lactose intolerance. He thought about having their own rooms dedicated to their own things (a shared music space, their own room together, a full bathroom, anything they could dream of) and not having to worry about other people walking in when they got intimate. Getting away from suburbia sounded like the best thing they could possibly do. And then the realization that life isn’t so simple hit Jae’s like a brick wall.

“I really would love to, baby,” he said, threading one hand into Brian’s hair and taking a drag with the other.

“Why do I sense a ‘but’ coming in here?” Brian asked, and he sounded _so_ disappointed.

“Apartments in the city are so expensive. We’d need high paying jobs, and then we’d have to buy all sorts of things and have all of the legalities worked out-- I just don’t think it’s possible. Not yet.”

“But, eventually, right?” Brian asked, and the hopefulness in his voice would have been enough to get Jae to agree to murder.

“Eventually, babe, we’ll get out of this hell hole. Maybe not as soon as you’d like, but eventually. I promise to you that one day we can get out of this-- of this, god, help me out Bri. Give me an adjective.”

“Blue?”

“We’ll get out of this blue neighbourhood one day. I swear on my life.”

Brian grins. “I’ll love you until the world ends. That’s my promise to you.”

“I’ll love you just as long.”

When Jae thinks of Brian, he thinks of unanswered questions and promises that weren’t meant to be broken.

(Jae much later learns that it really is a blue neighbourhood after all).


	2. Differences, Impulses, and Your Obsession With the Little Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so sorry for the wait!! the ending chapter is finished and will be up soon, but I start school tomorrow so i'm not sure when. also this is a bit of an angsty chap so be aware!!

Brian had called him at three thirty-two crying about his dad again. Jae doesn’t think he’s ever left the house faster, riding his bike as fast as he could to Brian’s place, only four blocks away from his own. When he arrives, throwing down his bike and running up to the front, the door isn’t locked. In fact, it’s cracked open a bit as if Brian’s father had stormed out and forgotten to close it all the way in his drunk haze.

“Brian?” he calls out, shutting the door behind him and slipping off his shoes. He walks down the hallway to Brian’s bedroom, trying his best not to glance at the picture of Brian and both of his parents when he was five. Brian’s door is closed when he reaches it. He taps gently at it. “Bri? It’s me. Can I come in?” But Jae doesn’t wait for a response. He pushes open the door, heart squeezing at the sight in front of him.

Brian is curled up in a corner of his bed with his knees tucked to his chest and one of Jae’s hoodies wrapped around the entirety of him, puffy cheeked, red eyed. He doesn’t glance up at Jae, eyes trained to a spot on the floor: a pile of clothes and the guitar that Jae had left for Brian to mess around with until he could afford his own. 

“Bri?” Jae asks softly, moving to perch himself at the edge of the bed. Brian doesn’t say anything, just pats the middle of the bed, beckoning Jae closer. Jae crawls to the centre, shifts so that he’s sitting cross legged. “Are you alright?” Again, Brian doesn’t answer. This time, he moves so that he’s in Jae’s lap, legs and arms wrapped around him like a koala. He presses his face into Jae’s neck and breathes him in, fingers gripping at his sweater tightly. Jae’s fingers skim his back, trailing all of the places he knows Brian likes bes, the places that will calm him down the fastest. “Do you not want to talk? It’s fine if you don’t.”

“No,” Brian says. His voice is scratchy from crying. “I’m okay.”

“Did he hurt you?”

“No,” Brian tells Jae, shaking his head into his shoulder. “Not physically at least.”

“Do you want to tell me what he said?” Brian doesn’t answer with words, simply shaking his head again. “That’s okay, Bri. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I’m just glad you’re okay.”

Brian lifts his head then, looking Jae in the eyes. “I love you,” he says. “Like, a lot. So much. More than I can actually comprehend. You’re way too good to me. I don’t deserve it.”

“You deserve all of it,” Jae tells hims honestly, poking him gently in the nose just to see him smile. “Don’t ever tell yourself that you don’t, because you do. You deserve all the love you get from me and so much more, alright?”

“Yeesh,” Brian says, mood finally picking up. “Don’t get all cheesy on me, you loser.”

“ _ I’m _ the loser?”

“Yeah,” Brian affirms, nodding his head. “You’re a loser. The biggest loser I know. You are  _ the  _ loser.” 

“Ouch,” Jae says, clutching his chest. “You’re breaking my heart here, Kang. What can I do to regain the title of the coolest person you know?”

Brian hums like he’s thinking. He glances all around the room, probably trying to find something to sabotage Jae with. It wouldn’t be below him, in all honestly. From knowing Brian so long, he’s learned that he can be quite the meddler. “You could play me something on your guitar,” Brian suggests with a raise of his eyebrows. “And sing something too.”

“You want me to sing  _ and  _ play?” Jae asks in disbelief, though it’s all fake. “That’s a lot to ask of  me, Brian.”

“I guess you’ll just be a loser forever then,” Brian says sadly, shaking his head as though that’ll get Jae to agree. (It will, but only because Jae is absolutely whipped). 

“Fine,” Jae scoffs, rolling his eyes playfully. “But only if you say you love me once more.”

“I’ll love you ‘til the end of the world and beyond.”

Jae grins. “Right back atcha. Now, what would you like to hear?”

 

-

 

Jae can tell instantly that something is wrong. He’d planned on surprising Brian at his house because they hadn’t seen each other in about a week or so. His original plan was to go to the front door, but saw that the back gate was open, so he figured that Brian might be out there, and if he wasn’t, he might as well say hi to (a hopefully sober) Mr. Kang. But when he walks in, everything happens much too fast for him to process. 

The scene seems fine enough, with Brian and Mr. Kang sitting on the porch, music playing from Brian’s ipod, everything seemingly sweet for what had happened between them only a mere ten days ago. Jae walks in grinning, saying hello to both of them. But the scene doesn’t play out like Jae had expected it to. 

Mr. Kang gives Brian this kind of warning look, to which Brian nods and says something along the lines of _ stay there, I’ll handle it. _ He rushes down to Jae, shaking his head. His eye is bruised a dark purple, his lip split and healing. What happened to him?

“You’ve gotta leave,” Brian says, pushing Jae slightly. “Now, Jae. Leave, please.”

“Woah, woah, woah, are you alright?” Jae asks, reaching a hand up to Brian’s face, to cup his cheek, to touch the bruise softly, but Brian swats him away.

“I’m fine,” he says, but it’s not reassuring, it’s almost frantic, angry. “You have to leave, Go, Jae.”

“Brian. Calm down. Talk to me.” Jae doesn’t get it. Why is Brian acting like this? Why is he so frantic to get Jae to leave? What had Jae done wrong?

“No!” Brian exclaims, shoving Jae towards the gate. Jae stumbles backwards, eyes wide with fear and panic and confusion, while Brian’s are empty and dull. “Leave. I don’t want you here.” 

“Brian…” Jae trails off, hurt clear in his voice but Brian just  _ doesn’t care, _ nudging Jae back once more. 

“Get out,” he says. “And don’t come back.” And then the gate is closed in Jae’s face and he’s alone. So, so terribly alone and he can’t even fathom what happened. 

What happened to loving him until the world ends?

 

-

 

Jae doesn’t see Brian for a while after that. He tried texting him the night that it had happened, but Brian hadn’t responded, just leaving his message read and unanswered. The next time Jae tries, his messages don’t go through. It figures, Brian not answering is only half of pretending that Jae doesn’t exist. Blocking his number is just the easy way out. When Jae asks his friends to message Brian to see if he’s alright, or help Jae understand what he’d done wrong, they all end up with the same answer. Being left on read. Or, in Mark’s case,  _ Don’t want to talk about it. Sorry.  _ And Jae feels sick but pleased to know that Brian is okay. 

He cannot fathom what he did wrong, or what actions he could have done or words he could have said that could somehow lead to this, this  _ end  _ that they had promised each other would never come. And perhaps it wouldn’t have been so bad if Jae had gotten any form of explanation, and kind of condolence, even an  _ I don’t love you anymore _ over text would have sufficed, but he got nothing. A great big, sour nothing and nothing to show for it. 

Still, Jae can’t be mad at him. It is incredibly hard to be mad at Brian Kang, for his eyes, even when as cold as they’d been earlier today, were always reassuring, and his smile was always warm and he was always too soft and too sweet to be upset with. Brian had a kind soul, weathered, a little worse for wear, but kind nonetheless. Even in this moment, heartbroken, sitting on his bed in silent tears while his mother cooks dinner and his father lay on the couch watching the news, everything normal to the eye but shattering upon further inspection, Jae can’t be mad at Brian. And he hates himself for it. 

No. He thinks it over. This is not the case. He does not hate himself for not hating Brian, he hates himself for still loving him. Broken hearted and crying in his room, Jae Park still loves Brian Kang, and perhaps this is a fate worse than any. 

 

-

 

It’s about a month or two after the breakup (or five weeks and three days exactly, because Jae has been counting), and Jae is still trying to pretend that he’s fine. Even though he’s not. And he misses Brian a lot. But maybe if he pretends enough, it’ll come true. 

It’s three ten on a Friday when Sungjin suggests they go for a walk. He supposes he doesn’t have much else to do. Despite having done nothing but mope around the house for weeks, it’s all that seems appealing. He’s not entirely there for it, but Sungjin insists that he needs the fresh air, and who is Jae to refuse to listen to the truth? So he hauls his ass out of his bed, changes out of the clothes he’s been wearing for the past three days, wipes himself down with a wet wipe and douses himself in enough deodorant and body spray to keep an entire football team smelling fresh. Or at least, enough that it masks the fact that he hasn’t showered in a considerable amount of time. 

Sungjin shows up with a can of iced tea and Jae’s favourite chocolate bar. God bless him. He’s like the perfect temporary replacement for the caring older sister that Jae actually has but is never around enough. He pulls his beanie further over his ears despite it being the middle of August. 

“Hey,” Sungjin says, handing Jae the food. He devours them both almost instantaneously, tossing the garbage in the bins next to the car. Sungjin’s face contorts into one of concern. “Damn, I knew you’d need those, but I didn’t expect them to be eaten so quick.”

Jae shrugs. “Thanks.”

“Right. When was the last time you ate?” 

Jae glances up in thought. He actually can’t remember. “Uh, dinner last night, I think?”

“It’s almost three-thirty,” Sungjin says. “That what, like twenty hours? You know, I was going to follow up that question with ‘How are you doing’--

“Please don’t,” Jae says, following him down the street. 

“--but the answer is in plain sight, so I won’t bother. Should I even ask what you’ve been doing?”

Jae chews his lips, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans. (They’re light washed and baggy. Brian bought them for Jae’s nineteenth birthday; a fact which he tries to forget). “Are you expecting an answer different from Moping and Crying?”

“Not quite,” Sungjin quips, leading Jae further through the neighbourhood. Jae can tell from the way they’re walking that they’re headed towards the main strip, the loud, busy streets and intersections with the plazas and convenience stores and schools. Maybe Sungjin will buy him another snack if he’s cheery. That might be too much to ask from him at the moment. 

“Don’t bother then,” Jae tells him. Sungjin smiles gently. “How are Wonpil and Dowoon?” he asks. He hasn’t seen them in a while. 

“Good.” Sungjin nods. “They’re good. Wonpil got into the Uni he wanted--"

“UofT?” Jae asks. Sungjin nods again, smile widening. 

“Yeah. He’s really excited about it.”

“I would be too,” Jae says. “I got into Waterloo. Going next term since I took a break.”

“Isn’t that where--”

“Yeah,” Jae says, knowing exactly what Sungjin was about to say. It’s where Brian is going. They’d wanted to go together. It seems a bit pointless now. If anything, it makes Jae want to go less. “Doesn’t matter. Anyways, what about Woon?”

“Woonie’s going into his last year of highschool. After summer break of course. He’s a little bummed that us four aren’t going to be there--”

“You mean he’s bummed Wonpil isn’t going to be there?” Jae jokes, cracking the smallest smile. It’s the first in weeks, and it should, but it doesn’t feel wrong. Wonpil and Dowoon have been inseparable since that one day back at Jae’s birthday party. 

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. I told him he still has Youngjae in the year below and Joshua and Bobby who are in his grade. All the kid cares about is Pillie. It’s disgusting.” Sungjin rolls his eyes. 

“I guess if you’re seventeen and have been in love since middle school, it’s ought to be a bit distracting.” Jae is looking what his feet, but he can feel Sungjin go rigid beside him. He’s confused, but doesn’t look up. What had changed in the last five seconds of their conversation?

“Jae,” Sungjin says lowly, “don’t freak out.”

“What? Why would I freak out?” Jae looks up and sees it. His throat runs dry. “Oh.”

Of all of the places Jae could have seen him, he doesn’t want it to be here. On the sidewalk, deserted besides him and Sungjin, with only the cars passing by to make any noise. He doesn’t have anywhere to hide here, he feels naked, out in the open like this. And the worst part is, he’s not alone. There’s someone else with him. Someone female. Someone holding his hand and reaching up on the tips of her toes to kiss Brian’s cheek. Oh. This is just Jae’s luck isn’t it?

She’s pretty, so pretty it makes Jae feel ugly and he’s not even a girl, he can’t even be compared to her, except, maybe he can because he’s kissed Brian’s cheek like that before too. He’s held his hand like that before too. He’s Brian loved before too. (Who is he kidding to say that he doesn’t anymore?) Jae is looking at them, they’re still walking forward, still advancing towards each other and for a split second their eyes meet. They’re still the same soft, chocolate brown. Still the same long lashes, same dark arched brows. He’s still the same Brian, he’s just got someone new. 

Perhaps it wasn’t the worst part, perhaps the worst part is that Jae caught Brian looking but he didn’t look twice. Or perhaps it was that Brian looked happy, laughing at something she says (Jae doesn’t catch it, his head is too hazy and all he can hear in the blood rushing in his ears) once they pass Jae and Sungjin holding the girl’s hand tighter and kissing her back. 

Jae feels Sungjin’s hand on his back. He must have been lost in the thought of it all, because he’s still looking back, but Brian is no longer there, now a tiny speck in Jae’s eyes far down the road. In this moment, even when he’s pulled along, Jae wishes that he and Brian had never met, because Brian Kang is simply too hard to forget and Jae is so, so ridiculously tired of cleaning up his mess. 

Perhaps it is a blue neighbourhood after all. 

 

 


	3. Grey Areas and Expectations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> end of the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unedited. will be edited when i get home lol

Jae gets the call at twelve seventeen pm on a Thursday. It’s Brian’s aunt’s number, whom he’d programmed into his phone just in case things ever got out of hand. His mind goes absolutely haywire when he sees it. It’s been five months since Brian left him, so why one earth would she be calling him? His mind instantly goes to the worst.

“Hello?” he asks when he picks up, and he can tell that his voice is shaking but he hopes that she can’t hear it over the line.

“Hi, honey. Younghyunnie wanted me to bear some bad news for you.”

If Brian is okay, then what’s the issue? 

“His dad--” she breaks off, voice wavering. “His dad passed away two days ago, sweetheart. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you. I don’t know why he couldn’t tell you himself,” she says, and Jae almost sighs. She doesn’t know. How could she, though? Brian was never open with his family, “but the funeral is tomorrow. He wanted me to invite you.”

“I’m so sorry for your loss,” Jae says, feigning emotion when all he feels is nothing at all. “He was a good man.”

 

-

 

Jae borrows a suit from his father upon realizing he doesn’t own one himself. It’s too tight in some places and too baggy in others but it’ll make do. He’s more worried about seeing Brian again than he is his outward appearance. What is he going to say to him? If anything? Will they just pretend like it didn’t happen? Like they’d never kissed under the covers of Brian’s bed and talked about running away together? Would Jae have to pretend that he’s not upset? That Brian’s girlfriend doesn’t bother him at all?

He arrives late because of some detours on the bus. The sky is grey, imitating the feeling of the day, of the people crying over an open grave. He sees Brian instantly, despite the fact that the group is all dressed similarly and huddled close, Jae would be able to pick him out in a sea of black and white. He swallows the lump in his throat and walks over, joins the huddle. Brian’s aunt shoots him a softened look, to which he bows his head. 

The priest is saying somethings about Brian’s father in Korean, and Jae can’t pick up that much but he can get the jist of it.  _ We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of a beloved man. He was a great father and son. _ And a few moments later:  _ Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  _ Many people nod along to his words but all Jae can pay attention to is Brian and the girl clinging to his side. The one who he’s seen months ago hold Brian’s hand. She’s rubbing circles into his back, but it’s not where Brian likes it and Jae knows that. Takes pride in the fact that he knows that. Then swallows it up upon it hitting him that Brian isn’t his anymore. 

The rest of it goes by in a blur, the eulogies, then the priest closing it off, and various people paying their respects. As much as Jae hated him, he can’t not kneel down next to the open grave and place a flower onto the coffin. He’s the second last person there, and he so desperately wants to leave, but he knows he can’t. He knows that he can’t leave without seeing Brian. Not even to get the answers he so desperately wants. Just to say he’s sorry. He begins to walk around the cemetery in search of Brian. 

Jae finds him sitting on the dewy grass next to a matching set of gravestones. His eyes are downcast, hands folded in his lap neatly. He’s not moving at all, like something will break if he so much as lifts a finger. Jae isn’t mad at Brian. A little disappointed, if anything, that the person he promised he would escape with somehow changed his mind and stared loving someone else. He’s not mad, though. It’s so hard to be mad at Brian Kang.

“Hey,” Jae says, and it makes Brian jump. He almost feels bad. 

Jae is not mad, but he very much wants to be. 

It’s hard for him being left without an explanation, without much of anything, only to find out first hand weeks later what had happened, that the person he loves so dearly wouldn’t even spare him a glance as he intertwined his fingers with that girl’s. He very much wants to be mad at the fact that  his best friend of fifteen years could drop him just like that, but he’s not. He could never be. Especially not today. Jae is not the type of person to hold grudges.

“Sorry,” Jae says softly. “Can I sit?” Brian nods, so Jae plops down on the grass next to him, even though the dew will probably induce grass stains on his hand-me-down suit, he can’t bring himself to care, not when Brian is sitting with his eyes red like he’s been crying. Jae doesn’t blame him.

“Hey,” Brian says. It’s flat. Monotone. Jae also can’t blame him for this either. 

“How are you doing?” Jae asks him, because he’s not quite sure what he’s supposed to do in a position like this.

“Been better,” Brian replies. He’s not looking at Jae. He’s looking at the line of trees surrounding the cemetery. 

“He was a good--”

Brian cuts him off. “He wasn’t,” he says. “A good man. Or a good dad. Maybe a long time ago he was. Before my mom died.”

It’s quiet for a long while. 

“Brian--”

“Jae--”

They both pause. Neither of them laugh. 

“You go first,” Jae says. He wants this. He needs to know why. Needs an explanation after this many months. 

“I guess I should start with I’m sorry, right?” Brian asks rhetorically. Jae just looks at him, but Brian doesn’t look back. “I’m sorry.”

“I know,” Jae says, eyes soft when Brian glances at him.

“My dad, he uh, he found out about us, somehow. Put two and two together or something. Overheard it, I don’t know. He came barging into my room, screaming, _are you a fag? Huh? Are you and Jae together? Is that it? It’s both of you, isn’t it?_ _Did he turn you a fag?_ And on, and on. He was so drunk I don’t even think he knew what he was saying. He hit me a couple of times, but it was nothing I couldn’t handle. That’s why I had that black eye. Anyways. Once he roughed me up a bit, he told me, _if he ever comes back here, I’ll kill the both of you._ I was so scared, Jae. Me? Yeah I could handle it. But if anything happened to you, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. In retrospect, I don’t know if he actually would have gone through with it.

“When you came by that day, that’s why I was freaking out. When you walked into the backyard, I could feel the look he was giving me from the patio. He must’ve remembered what he’d said. I just wanted you to go because I couldn’t imagine what would happen if you stayed, if he got a hold of you. So that’s why. I blocked you number and ignored all of the texts you told our friends to send me because I didn’t want you hurt. I got a girlfriend because I needed to prove to him that he didn’t have to worry about either of us anymore.”

“Do you love her?” Jae asks, even though it’s not okay to. Even though he’s not allowed to. Because he needs to know. Because he loves Brian.

“No, god, I’m  _ gay _ . I just, needed to distract him. I’ve been meaning to break it off for so long but she doesn’t catch any signals. I’m so sorry that I didn’t tell you or anything. It was too dangerous. I knew it was you when you passed me with her a few months ago, even though I pretended that I didn’t. God, Jae I wanted to touch you so bad. I wanted to reach out and grab you and never let go but I couldn’t. I’m so sorry.” And Brian is crying when he latches himself onto Jae, buries himself into Jae’s neck. 

“Hey,” Jae says, “hey, Bri. Shh. It’s okay. You’re okay. I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry? I’m the one that fucked things up.”

“Hey,” Jae says sternly, pulling Brian so that he’s got Brian’s face in his hands, wiping his tears with his thumbs. “It’s not your fault, BriBri. You didn’t decide that you wanted to do that. You were forced into it. Don’t blame yourself. Ever. I’m not mad at you.”

“I’m still going to miss him,” Brian chokes out, and it’s this ugly sob that makes Jae’s chest squeeze. “Oh, god. I’m going to miss him. He was so bad to me but I’m still going to fucking miss him, Jae.”

“He was your dad,” Jae says. “He was pretty much all you had after your mom. Don’t beat yourself up about missing him.”

“He was only awful when he was drunk,” Brian says, “he was my favourite person before mom died. He was so fun and caring. I guess her dying led him to drinking. He was just a nasty drunk. Every time he would drink he would come into my room the next morning and apologize and promise to never do it again. Until the last time with us. He just stayed drunk after that. I knew it would kill him.”

“I know,” Jae says, because he does. He remembers Mr. Kang before Brian’s mother’s passing, he remembers how sweet and caring he was. How much he loved Brian.

“I’m an orphan now,” Brian says dully, like it’s finally settling in. “I haven’t got anybody.”

“You’ve got me,” Jae says, wiping away the last of Brian’s tears. He’s half expecting it and half shocked when Brian kisses him with so much passion and fervor that he can feel it in his toes. He holds Brian like he’s going to break, brushing his styled hair out of his eyes and keeping him close. 

“I missed you,” Brian says against his mouth, “I missed you so much. I needed you so much and I couldn’t have you.”

“I’m here now,” Jae tells him, and it’s like the whole world is stopped, frozen, like it’s just them. 

It feels that way until there’s a muffled noise of shock from behind them. They jump apart and turn to see Brian’s girlfriend. Once. The world could be on Jae’s side  _ just  _ once. He would be  _ so  _ thankful. 

“Hey, look it’s--”

“Brian,” she says. It’s not mean or malicious. It’s almost  _ understanding _ . “Save it. This isn’t my first rodeo.” 

Poor fucking girl. This has happened to her more than once? And Jae thought  _ his  _ life was bad.

“I’m so sorry.”

“It’s whatever. I could tell you weren’t all there anyways. I won’t hold it against you. I hope that this is what you really want.”

Brian smiles tinily up at her. “It is. I’m really sorry.”

“It’s fine, Brian. Friends?”

“Friends.” 

When she walks off, hands shoved in the pockets of her black knit sweater, Jae sits back in awe. “Bri, that is the weirdest thing I’ve ever fucking witnessed. Why was she so okay to see you making out with another dude?” Tender moment broken aside, Jae can hardly even fathom what the hell just happened. 

“I have no fucking  _ clue _ . She’s actually really sweet. I just couldn’t stand kissing her. I think she knew within the first bit that I wasn’t really into it. God, I feel really bad now. We need to set her up with someone that won’t turn out to be gay.” 

“We have lots of lonely straight friends, Bri baby. We’ll find someone.”

“Good,” Brian says. “Let’s get out of here. I can’t stand this place.”

“I’m with you, babe.”

(And months later, when Brian is nineteen and Jae is twenty, they do move to the city like they’d planned. They’ve never been happier to get out of their blue neighbourhood). 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so u've reached the end!! i hope u liked it even though the ending is super super rushed lol


End file.
